How should my spouse and I handle disagreements?

To answer this, here are three tips on what NOT to do.

1. Do not avoid the situation. When you stuff or repress unresolved conflict, your stomach keeps the score. In a healthy relationship, conflict resolution is prioritized.
2. Don’t practice appeasement. When one person gives in all the time, his or her heart becomes like a smoldering rag ready to be ignited by self-pity.
3. Don’t practice aggression against your spouse. Attack the problem rather than one another. Avoid name calling. Take a time out to cool down by taking a walk. Then come back and practice active listening. Polish up your communication skills and conflict resolution skills. After all, this is the most important human relationship you’ll ever have.

Use good body language to show you are leaning into one another’s concerns and giving one another your full attention. When you talk about the conflict, share your feelings and thoughts by using “I” statements. Avoid accusations with “you” statements: “you always do this; you never do that.” Use open-ended questions and create a safe space for your spouse to share his or her real feelings. This will help you resolve conflict in a healthy way.

At the same time that you are putting off bad habits, here are three good habits to put on.

1. Practice the art of accommodation. Let change begin with you and watch the effect it has on your partner. If you find you are in constant conflict, ask for professional help. Couples therapy may help you learn to de-escalate situations and cool off heated arguments so you can concentrate on problem solving.
2. Practice the art of acceptance. Some things simply won’t change, and we have to accept that in others. Acceptance is good for own mental health and the health of the marriage. Getting married is like buying a CD. You buy it because of what you want and accept what else comes with the play list. Accept one another because you are on the same team.
3. Practice the art of adjustment, especially in the little things. This is the best of the three. By accommodating, I change. By accepting, I resign myself to the fact that my spouse might never change. But by adjusting, we both change.

Taken from Adrian Rogers' weekly newspaper column. Used by permission. 2001, The Commercial Appeal.

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